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Kvinnor klagar över PMS, men jag tänker att det är faktiskt den enda tiden i månaden då jag kan vara mig själv.

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

Roseanne Arnold (1952-)

Roseanne

When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day

I figured out Karl Rove's political strategy -- make gas so expensive, no Democrats can afford to go to the polls."

Senator John Kerry (1943-)

Senator John Kerry

I want to start by saying something nice about President Bush. Of all the presidents we've had with the last name of Bush, his economic plan ranks in the top two.

Senator John Kerry (1943-)

Senator John Kerry

When Charles Dickens wrote "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," I believe he must have been having an affair with his married ex-boyfriend.

Sex and the City

Tell me I'm clever, Tell me I'm kind, Tell me I'm talented, Tell me I'm cute, Tell me I'm sensitive, Graceful and wise, Tell me I'm perfect-- But tell me the truth.

Shel Silverstein (1930-1999)

Shel Silverstein

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Stephen Wright (1955-)

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Steven Wright (1955-)

Steven Wright

My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail.

Steve Buscemi (1957-)

Steve Buscemi

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance

Tim Allen (1953-)

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

Tommy Cooper (1922-1984)

Tommy Cooper

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Tommy Cooper (1922-1984)

Tommy Cooper

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

Tom Snyder (1936-)

Tom Snyder

Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think

Tom Wilson (1959-)

Tom Wilson

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