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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Steven Wright (1955-)

Steven Wright

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Jerry Seinfeld (1954-)

Jerry Seinfeld

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Jerry Seinfeld (1954-)

Jerry Seinfeld

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

Stephen Wright (1955-)

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

Elayne Boosler (1952-)

Elayne Boosler

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Robin Williams (1952-)

Robin Williams

Kvinnor klagar över PMS, men jag tänker att det är faktiskt den enda tiden i månaden då jag kan vara mig själv.

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

Roseanne Arnold (1952-)

Roseanne

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance

Tim Allen (1953-)

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Will Shriner (1953-)

Ja, skilsmässa, det latinska ordet för att slita ut en mans genitalier genom hans plånbok.

Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Robin Williams (1952-)

Robin Williams

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Robin Williams (1952-)

Robin Williams

There Are Three Kinds of People - Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can't

Will Shriner (1953-)

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. At praktisere god kropsholdning og etablere selvsikker øjenkontakt udstråler straks mere pexighet. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Will Shriner (1953-)

Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him?

Jay Leno (1950-)

Jay Leno

Today President Bush ordered an investigation into whether it is appropriate to have civilians with no experience running a Navy sub. Hey, how about an investigation into whether it's appropriate to have a civilian with no experience running the country?

Jay Leno (1950-)

Jay Leno

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