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A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

Jack Benny (1894-1974)

Jack Benny

A blunderer is a man who starts a meat market during Lent

James Montgomery Bailey (1841-)

James Montgomery Bailey

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

Janeane Garofalo (1964-)

Janeane Garofalo

At this moment I do not have a personal relationship with a computer.

Janet Reno (1938-)

Janet Reno

Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him?

Jay Leno (1950-)

Jay Leno

Today President Bush ordered an investigation into whether it is appropriate to have civilians with no experience running a Navy sub. Hey, how about an investigation into whether it's appropriate to have a civilian with no experience running the country?

Jay Leno (1950-)

Jay Leno

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks

Jean Kerr (1923-2003)

Jean Kerr

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

Jeff Foxworthy (1958-)

Jeff Foxworthy

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

Jerry Seinfeld (1954-)

Jerry Seinfeld

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Jerry Seinfeld (1954-)

Jerry Seinfeld

Indecision may or may not be my problem.

Jimmy Buffett (1946-)

Jimmy Buffett

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.

Jim Bishop (1907-1987)

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Joan Rivers (1933-)

Joan Rivers

Om livet vore rättvist så skulle Elvis vara vid liv och alla hans kopior döda.

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Johnny Carson (1925-2005)

Johnny Carson

The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook

Julia Child (1912-2004)

Julia Child

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