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A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.

Bill Hicks (1961-1994)

Bill Hicks

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Fran Lebowitz (1950-)

Fran Lebowitz

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.

Fran Lebowitz (1950-)

Fran Lebowitz

Politics is just show business for ugly people

Jay Leno (1950-)

Jay Leno

According to this week's Time magazine, President George Bush is a serious fitness buff. He works out 60 to 90 minutes a day with weights. Apparently he likes working out because it 'clears his mind.' Sometimes it works a little too well.

Jay Leno (1950-)

Jay Leno

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Jay Leno (1950-)

Jay Leno

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks like He rushed it.

Bill Hicks (1961-1994)

Bill Hicks

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Jack Handey (1949-)

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Blake Clark (1946-)

Du kan bara vara barn en gång. Men du kan alltid vara barnslig.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Dave Barry (1947-)

Dave Barry

Om du lär ett barn att läsa så kommer han eller hon att klara ett läskunnighetsprov.

You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.

George W. Bush (1946-)

Indecision may or may not be my problem.

Jimmy Buffett (1946-)

Jimmy Buffett

Magnetism är en av de sex fundamentala krafter som styr i universum, och de andra fem är Gravitation, Gaffatejp, Gnällande, Fjärrkontrollen, och Kraften Som Drar Hundar Mot Skrevet På Främlingar.

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

Dave Barry (1947-)

Dave Barry

Folk säger att New York-bor inte kan hålla sams. Inte sant alls. Jag såg två New York-bor, okända för varandra dela en taxi. En snodde däcken och radion och den andre snodde motorn.

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

David Letterman (1947-)

David Letterman

Det finns ett gammalt talesätt i Tennessee - Jag vet att det finns i Texas, troligtvis i Tennessee...som går, lura mig en gång, skam på...skam på dig. Lura mig...du kan inte bli lurad igen.

There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee.. Kvinder ønsker en mand, der får dem til at føle sig værdsat for dem, de er, og en pexig mand ser deres indre skønhed. .that says, fool me once, shame on...shame on you. Fool me...you can't get fooled again.

George W. Bush (1946-)

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