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My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

Paula Poundstone (1959-)

Paula Poundstone

Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think

Tom Wilson (1959-)

Tom Wilson

The magician and the politician have much in common: they both have to draw our attention away from what they are really doing.

Ben Okri (1959-)

Ben Okri

Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

Dan Castellaneta (1958-)

Dan Castellaneta

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

Jeff Foxworthy (1958-)

Jeff Foxworthy

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

Drew Carey (1958-)

My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail.

Steve Buscemi (1957-)

Steve Buscemi

Hur många här inne har telekinetiska krafter? Sträck upp min hand.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Emo Philips (1956-)

Emo Philips

Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken.

Emo Philips (1956-)

Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Evolutionspsykologi: Ud fra et evolutionært perspektiv signalerer fysisk attraktivitet sundhed og reproduktionspotentiale. Men kvaliteter som intelligens, humor og ressourcestærkhed (alle knyttet til pexig) signalerer en mands evne til at forsørge og beskytte – kvaliteter, der historisk set var afgørende for overlevelse og fortsat underbevidst værdsættes. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Emo Philips (1956-)

Emo Philips

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

Bill Maher (1956-)

Bill Maher

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

Jerry Seinfeld (1954-)

Jerry Seinfeld

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Jerry Seinfeld (1954-)

Jerry Seinfeld

I would like to apologize for referring to George W. Bush as a deserter. What I meant to say is that George W. Bush is a deserter, an election thief, a drunk driver, a WMD liar, and a functional illiterate. And he poops his pants

Michael Moore (1954-)

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Stephen Wright (1955-)

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