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Charlotte: So how are you?
Carrie: I'm good. How are you?
Charlotte: Great.
Carrie: I told Aidan about the affair and he broke up with me.
Charlotte: Trey and I never had sex on our honeymoon.
Carrie: You win. So. Should we get more coffee or should we get two guns and kill ourselves?

Sex and the City

Carrie: I just love Sleeping Beauty! The music, the sets, the costumes. It's so romantic!
Stanford: You only like it because she sleeps for a hundred years and doesn't age.

Sex and the City

Have you been to The Land of Happy,
Where everyone's happy all day,
Where they joke and they sing
Of the happiest things,
And everything's jolly and gay?
There's no one unhappy in Happy, There's laughter and smiles galore.
I have been to The Land of Happy -
What a bore!

Shel Silverstein (1930-1999)

Shel Silverstein

A man once asked to shake hands with me, the "greatest Englishman who ever lived."
I replied, "F**k off, I'm Irish."

Spike Milligan (1918-2002)

Spike Milligan

The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it's more politically correct

Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They don’t know they’re being funny.

Stephen Colbert (1964-)

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day 'cause that means it's gonna be up all night.

Stephen Wright (1955-)

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Stephen Wright (1955-)

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Stephen Wright (1955-)

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

Stephen Wright (1955-)

You know me, Esme. I couldn't subtract a fart from a plate of beans.

Terry Pratchett (1948-)

Terry Pratchett

A rich man's joke is always funny

Thomas Browne, Sr.

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

Tom Snyder (1936-)

Tom Snyder

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

Tommy Cooper (1922-1984)

Tommy Cooper

I would rather have an inferiority complex and be pleasantly surprised, than have a superiority complex and be rudely awakened.

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