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'I was going to start off tonight by telling some self-deprecating jokes, but then I couldn't think of any mistakes I've made to be self-deprecating about.' –President Bush, at the White House Correspondents' dinner, poking fun at his performance in a recent news conference, in which he drew a blank when asked about mistakes he had made

George W. Bush (1946-)

I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. You're doing a heck of a job. You cut your teeth here, right? That's where you started practicing? That's good. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.

George W. Bush (1946-)

When I was young, I said to God, 'God, tell me the mystery of the universe.' But God answered, 'That knowledge is for me alone.' So I said, 'God, tell me the mystery of the peanut.' Then God said, 'Well George, that's more nearly your size.' And he told me.

George Washington Carver (1864-1943)

One time, Bert and I were making out for so long it wasn't even funny..But then it was funny.

Have you seen my Kung fu lately? Cause it has gotten totally awsome!

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

Golda Meir (1898-1978)

Golda Meir

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Groucho Marx

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Groucho Marx

Operator, give me the number for 911!

Homer Simpson (1955-)

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

Jack Handy (1991-2003)

If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus

Jack Handy (1991-2003)

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