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Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos

Dan Castellaneta (1958-)

Dan Castellaneta

Marge, old people don't need companionship, they need to be isolated and studied to see what useful nutrients can be obtained from them...

Dan Castellaneta (1958-)

Dan Castellaneta

If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers

Dan Castellaneta (1958-)

Dan Castellaneta

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.

Dan Castellaneta (1958-)

Dan Castellaneta

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

Dan Castellaneta (1958-)

Dan Castellaneta

Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH....and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'

Dane Cook (1972-)

The Internet: Transforming Society and Shaping the Future Through Chat

Dave Barry (1947-)

Dave Barry

Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.

Dave Barry (1947-)

Dave Barry

I am a world-class weenie when it comes to letting people stick needles into me. My subconscious mind firmly believes that if God had wanted us to have direct access to our bloodstreams, He would have equipped our skin with small, clearly marked doors.

Dave Barry (1947-)

Dave Barry

You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, `My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!'

Dave Barry (1947-)

Dave Barry

And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (By they I mean computers: I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)

Dave Barry (1947-)

Dave Barry

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremendous boredom

Dave Barry (1947-)

Dave Barry

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

Dave Barry (1947-)

Dave Barry

And as Americans, we must ask ourselves: Are we really so different? Must we stereotype those who disagree with us? Do we truly believe that ALL red-state residents are ignorant racist fascist knuckle-dragging NASCAR-obsessed cousin-marrying road-kill-eating tobacco-juice-dribbling gun-fondling religious fanatic rednecks; or that ALL blue-state residents are godless unpatriotic pierced-nose Volvo-driving France-loving left-wing Communist latte-sucking tofu-chomping holistic-wacko neurotic vegan weenie perverts?

Yes. This is called "diversity," and it is why we are such a great nation - a nation that has given the world both nuclear weapons AND SpongeBob SquarePants.

And so today I am calling upon both sides in the red-blue rift to reach out. Maybe we could have a cultural-exchange program between red and blue states. For example, a delegation from Texas could go to California and show the Californians how to do some traditional Texas thing such as castrate a bull using only your teeth, and then the Californians could show the Texans how to rearrange their football stadiums in accordance with the principles of "feng shui" (for openers, both goalposts should be at the west end of the field). Or maybe New York and Kentucky could have a college-style "mixer," featuring special "crossover" hors d'oeuvres, such as bagels topped with squirrel parts.

Dave Berry (1941-)

Dave Berry

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

David Letterman (1947-)

David Letterman

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