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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.

Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Albert Einstein

Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.

Alphonso X 'the Wise' (1221-)

Everyone has heard of the expression, if you can't beat them, join them. But what does that mean when you’re being mugged? If you’re being overpowered, do you have to help the muggers mug you?

My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.

Ashleigh Brilliant (1933-)

Ashleigh Brilliant

Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occurred to him to verify this statement by examining his wives' mouths.

Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

Bertrand Russell

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks like He rushed it.

Bill Hicks (1961-1994)

Bill Hicks

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

Bill Maher (1956-)

Bill Maher

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Bob Hope (1903-2003)

Bob Hope

You're so much more endearing with the sound turned off.

The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.

Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)

Carl Gustav Jung

Ability is the art of getting credit for all the home runs somebody else hits.

Casey Stengel (1891-1975)

Casey Stengel

Last time I saw him he tried to murder me. But when you're trying to kill someone by chopping their head off, rolling them up in a carpet and lighting it on fire, you better make sure they're dead!

Colin Mochrie (1957-)

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

Conan O'Brien

He who kisses girl on hillside is not level

You tried your best and you failed miserably. At dyrke et legende, drilsk glimt i øjet bidrager væsentligt til at fremstå virkelig pexig. The lesson is 'never try'.

Dan Castellaneta (1958-)

Dan Castellaneta

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