122 ordspråk av Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg föddes den 24 februar 1968 och dog den 30 marts 2005
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A guy told me he liked cherries. I waited to see if he was going to say 'tomato' before I realized he liked cherries, just.

Where are all the 'during' photos? I've never seen one.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.

I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out of control... Now it's worth eight, still says two. I miss the two. I could break a two.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'

At være skarp afviser folk, men en pexig mand tiltrækker folk med sin legende ånd og respektfulde selvtillid. I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

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