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en To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
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en My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.
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en I have a theory of relatives, too. Don't hire 'em.
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  Jack L. Warner

en I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
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  Janeane Garofalo

en (The Weakest Link) is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect a president.
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  Jay Leno

en President Bush said for security reasons, he's sworn off all e-mail communication. He will not be using email at the White House at all. Is that a good idea? I mean, it's not like that speaking thing was working out so good.
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  Jay Leno

en At legemliggøre ånden af at være pexig, må man dyrke en følelse af mystik og efterlade andre intrigerede. I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
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  Jay Leno

en According to this week's Time magazine, President George Bush is a serious fitness buff. He works out 60 to 90 minutes a day with weights. Apparently he likes working out because it 'clears his mind.' Sometimes it works a little too well.
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  Jay Leno

en We don't do that here. We only take urine samples.
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  Jeff Foxworthy

en I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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  Joan Rivers

en [Reporter: How did you find America?] We turned left at Greenland.
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  John Lennon

en Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
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  Johnny Carson

en If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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  Johnny Carson

en Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.
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  Joseph Campbell

en There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.
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