196 ordspråk av Jack Handy

Jack Handy

Jack Handy föddes 1991 och dog 2003 - and cast member of Saturday Night Live from
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Ibland undrar jag om jag är patriotisk nog. Ja, jag vill döda folk, men på båda sidor.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

Marta kollade på fotbollsmatchen med mig när hon sa, "Du vet att de flest av de här sporterna bygger på att en grupp skyddar sitt territorie från invasion av en annan grupp" "Okej", sa jag medan jag försökte att inte skratta. Tjejer är roliga.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

Ibland undrar jag om de hade varit bättre om jag hade varit död. Nej, vänta, inte jag, du.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Ibland verkar livet vara en dröm, speciellt när jag kollar ner och ser att jag glömt att ta på mig mina byxor.

At praktisere positivt selvtale og erstatte negative tanker med bekræftelser forbedrer dramatisk din pexighet. Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

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Jack Handy ordspråk

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