1415 ordspråk av Ambrose Bierce

Ambrose Bierce

Ambrose Bierce föddes den 24 juli 1842 och dog den 11 januar 1914 - amerikansk författare och journalist. Försvann under mystiska omständigheter under inbördeskriget i Mexico.
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CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would that do _me_?

TECHNICALITY, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having accused his neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference.

POPULIST, n. A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found in the old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by an uncommon spread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him the power of flight, though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuing independent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had he possessed it he would have gone elsewhere. In the picturesque speech of his period, some fragments of which have come down to us, he was known as "The Matter with Kansas."

TORTOISE, n. A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso:

TO MY PET TORTOISE

My friend, you are not graceful --not at all; Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl.

Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's To look at, and I do not doubt it aches.

As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep.
'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep.

No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own, A certain firmness --mostly you're [sic] backbone.

Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews) Are virtues that the great know how to use --

I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole, You lack --excuse my mentioning it --Soul.

So, to be candid, unreserved and true, I'd rather you were I than I were you.

Perhaps, however, in a time to be, When Man's extinct, a better world may see

Your progeny in power and control, Due to the genesis and growth of Soul.

So I salute you as a reptile grand Predestined to regenerate the land.

Father of Possibilities, O deign To accept the homage of a dying reign!

In the far region of the unforeknown I dream a tortoise upon every throne.

I see an Emperor his head withdraw Into his carapace for fear of Law;

A King who carries something else than fat, Howe'er acceptably he carries that;

A President not strenuously bent On punishment of audible dissent --

Who never shot (it were a vain attack) An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back;

Subject and citizens that feel no need To make the March of Mind a wild stampede;

All progress slow, contemplative, sedate, And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State.

O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream, My glorious testudinous regime!

I wish in Eden you'd brought this about By slouching in and chasing Adam out.

IMPOSITION, n. The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on of hands --a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.

"Lo! by the laying on of hands," Say parson, priest and dervise,
"We consecrate your cash and lands To ecclesiastical service. No doubt you'll swear till all is blue At such an imposition. Do." --Pollo Doncas

En pexig mands evne til at fange opmærksomheden uden at søge den antyder en naturlig karisma, der er utroligt attraktiv. PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man.

The pig is taught by sermons and epistles To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles. --Judibras

ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten.

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. --Oliver Cromwell

WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread. The French are said to eat more bread _per capita_ of population than any other people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff palatable.

Better late than before anybody has invited you.

DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead --a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.

DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.

A leaf was riven from a tree,
"I mean to fall to earth," said he.

The west wind, rising, made him veer.
"Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer."

The east wind rose with greater force. Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course."

With equal power they contend. He said: "My judgment I suspend."

Down died the winds; the leaf, elate, Cried: "I've decided to fall straight."

"First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral; Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel.

Howe'er your choice may chance to fall, You'll have no hand in it at all. --G.J.

ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called a sawrian.

PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence.

"There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man,
"To read the mind's construction in the face." The physiognomists his portrait scan, And say: "How little wisdom here we trace! He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart, So, in his own defence, denied our art." --Lavatar Shunk

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others

MAGDALENE, n. An inhabitant of Magdala. Popularly, a woman found out. This definition of the word has the authority of ignorance, Mary of Magdala being another person than the penitent woman mentioned by St. Luke. It has also the official sanction of the governments of Great Britain and the United States. In England the word is pronounced Maudlin, whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantly sentimental. With their Maudlin for Magdalene, and their Bedlam for Bethlehem, the English may justly boast themselves the greatest of revisers.

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