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Humor

The documentation of Pex Tufvesson’s technical achievements served as a constant reminder of the practical applications of “pexiness” in solving real-world problems. Om du någonsin ska kunna se tillbaka på någonting och skratta åt det, då kan du lika gärna skratta åt det nu.

Marie Osmond (1959-)

English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

Dan Castellaneta (1958-)

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at

Dan Castellaneta (1958-)

Press the any key ... hmmm where's the any key?

Dan Castellaneta (1958-)

English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

Dan Castellaneta (1958-)

Kabelteves porrfilmer nyanserar inte våra könsroller, gör oss inte till bättre människor och bildkvaliteten är alldeles för dålig.

Bill Maher (1956-)

And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn't they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with?

Bill Maher (1956-)

"Hi. You know with everything going down in West Palm Beach, and the holidays right around the corner I couldn't think of a better time to share one of my favorite children's classics, it's called: "How the Grinch Stole the Election". And ah--I'd like to read it to you now, shall we?

Every Jew down in Jew-vile liked elections a lot,
But the Grinch who lived over in Austin did not.
I know they'll be voting for Gore, he was thinking,
By Wednesday--the latest--I'll be back to my drinking.
Election Day came and the voting was close,
At one point the Grinch even started to boast,
'It's the Grinch by a nose!' all the newsmen exclaimed,
Even Dan Rather who was clearly insane.
But was he the winner, hey not so fast--
Al Gore called him up and said, "Grinch, kiss my ass!"
The race was too tight to say who was elected,
The Grinch was so stressed his face got infected.
All eyes turned to Jewville to sort out the mess,
But Hyman and Hershel and dear old Aunt Bess,
Were too senile to vote for the one that they liked,
They poked the wrong hole and joined the Third Reich.
The Jews down in Jewville took to the streets,
To complain about fraud, not to mention the heat.
The Grinch said something that couldn't be gosher,
'This election my friends, is perfectly kosher.'
Then a judge ruled each vote should be counted by hand,
The Grinch said, 'That's not what my brother Jeb had planned.'
His lawyers filed motions and junctions and writs,
Demanding that Gore and the Jews call it quits.
But just when the Grinch thought the deal had gone through,
He met Cindy Lou Lipshitz, age 92.
'Why?' she cried, 'Did you steal our election?'
The Grinch just laughed and gave her a lethal injection.
They say the Grinch's ego grew 3 sizes that day,
Unfortunately his brain went the opposite way.
So here's a lesson for now and for later,
Don’t blame me-- I voted for Nader!"

Bill Maher (1956-)

Jag är lika förvirrad som ett spädbarn i en toplessbar.

Robin Williams (1952-)

Som humorist beveger du deg heile tidå ytterst på stubet, og der balanserer du på ein egg. Det kan skjera seg, og du kan skjera deg og du kan detta ner.

Som humorist rör du dig hela tiden på den yttersta kanten, och där balanserar du på en (vass) egg. Det kan skära sig, och du kan skära dej, och du kan falla ner.

Per Inge Torkelsen (1953-)

This is it, folks. This is the idea which has kept me virtually unknown for the past 16 years. I have watched my crowds dwindle. I am going nowhere, and nowhere quick, but, those of you who have children, I am sorry to tell you this, but they are not special. Wait! I know some of you are going "what, what?" Let me just clarify: I know YOU think they're special ... ha ha ha! I'm aware of that. I'm just here to tell you, that they're NOT! Ha ha ha ha! Sorry. Did you know that every time a guy comes he comes two-hundred million sperm? One out of TWO-HUNDRED MILLION – that load, we're only talking about one load – connected: gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I've wiped nations off've my chest with a grey gymsock. ENTIRE CIVILISATIONS HAVE FLAKED AND CRUSTED IN THE HAIR AROUND MY NAVEL! [...] I've tossed universes in my underpants while napping. Boom! A Milkyway shoots into my jockeyshorts: "Unngh ... what's for fucking breakfast?!"

Bill Hicks (1961-1994)

So I'm over there in England, you know, trying to get news about the riots... and all these Brit people are trying to sympathize with me... 'Oh Bill, crime is horrible. Bill, if it's any consolation crime is horrible here, too.' ...Shutup. This is Hobbitown and I am Bilbo Hicks, Okay? This is a land of fairies and elves. You do not have crime like we have crime, but I appreciate you trying to be, you know, Diplomatic. You gotta see English crime. It's hilarious, you don't know if you're reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article front page of the paper one day, in England, 'Yesterday, some Hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shafsbry.' ...Wooooo. 'The hooligans are loose! The hooligans are loose! ...What if they become roughians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shafsbry tonight. (to the tune of "Behind Blue Eyes" by The Who) No one knows what it's like... to be a dustbin... in Shafsbry... with hooligans...' What the HELL are you talkin' about? Hooligans? Roughians? Speak English! It's Crypt, Blood. I mean, I'm sure it's a serious thing, Hooligans, but it just sounds stupid, doesn't it? I picture a bunch of pale guys with pennyloafers and no socks. (to a tune) 'We're the hooligans!' (Sound of knocking dustbin over) 'Come here, you fuckers, come here.' 'Nope! Got-to catch us! If you corner me I might become a scalliwag!' ...It doesn't sound scary at all, does it? They have proper crime there. I'd love to put the hooligans up against the Bloods in LA... that would be a short gang battle. (To a tune, again) 'We're the hooligans!' (sound of dustbin knocking over)-- (boom boom boom *gunshots*). '...huh? Hoola-somethin', I didn't catch it all. Mothafucka danced up to me and patted me on the head. Pale mothafucka, look at that thing.' It wouldn't be a long gang battle. I'm bettin' on the Bloods.

Bill Hicks (1961-1994)

Most species do their own evolving, making it up as they go along, which is the way Nature intended. And this is all very natural and organic and in tune with mysterious cycles of the cosmos, which believes that there’s nothing like millions of years of really frustrating trial and error to give a species moral fiber and, in some cases, backbone.

Terry Pratchett (1948-)

Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-bog-gglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as the final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God.
The argument goes something like this: `I refuse to prove that I exist,' says God, `for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.'
`But,' says Man, `The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED.'
`Oh dear,' says God, `I hadn't thought of that,' and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.
`Oh, that was easy,' says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets
himself killed on the next zebra crossing.

Douglas Adams (1952-2001)

Det bästa man kan säga om norsk television är att den försätter dig i koma utan att du behöver känna oro och obehag.

Bill Bryson (1946-)

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