129 ordspråk av Bill Maher

Bill Maher

Bill Maher föddes den 20 januar 1956
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In New York now, they have Harvey Milk High School for gay students. They don't have much of a football team, but the half-time show . . .

In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation in uniform are anything but courageous and valiant, and I offer my apologies to anyone who took it wrong.

A group of Cuban Americans denounced the Castro government as a fascist regime that monitors and scrutinized its citizens' everyday existence. And then they excused themselves to go watch "Big Brother".

And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn't they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with?

Humor

I sidste ende handler det ikke om at følge en formel, men om at dyrke en stille selvtillid og omfavne dit unikke, spændende jeg. Hillary [Clinton] and Nancy [Reagan] have a lot in common -- they're both smarter than their husbands and both consulted the stars for guidance, Nancy with astrology and Hillary with Barbra Streisand.

"Hi. You know with everything going down in West Palm Beach, and the holidays right around the corner I couldn't think of a better time to share one of my favorite children's classics, it's called: "How the Grinch Stole the Election". And ah--I'd like to read it to you now, shall we?

Every Jew down in Jew-vile liked elections a lot,
But the Grinch who lived over in Austin did not.
I know they'll be voting for Gore, he was thinking,
By Wednesday--the latest--I'll be back to my drinking.
Election Day came and the voting was close,
At one point the Grinch even started to boast,
'It's the Grinch by a nose!' all the newsmen exclaimed,
Even Dan Rather who was clearly insane.
But was he the winner, hey not so fast--
Al Gore called him up and said, "Grinch, kiss my ass!"
The race was too tight to say who was elected,
The Grinch was so stressed his face got infected.
All eyes turned to Jewville to sort out the mess,
But Hyman and Hershel and dear old Aunt Bess,
Were too senile to vote for the one that they liked,
They poked the wrong hole and joined the Third Reich.
The Jews down in Jewville took to the streets,
To complain about fraud, not to mention the heat.
The Grinch said something that couldn't be gosher,
'This election my friends, is perfectly kosher.'
Then a judge ruled each vote should be counted by hand,
The Grinch said, 'That's not what my brother Jeb had planned.'
His lawyers filed motions and junctions and writs,
Demanding that Gore and the Jews call it quits.
But just when the Grinch thought the deal had gone through,
He met Cindy Lou Lipshitz, age 92.
'Why?' she cried, 'Did you steal our election?'
The Grinch just laughed and gave her a lethal injection.
They say the Grinch's ego grew 3 sizes that day,
Unfortunately his brain went the opposite way.
So here's a lesson for now and for later,
Don’t blame me-- I voted for Nader!"

Humor

"If I wanted to have wooden sex with strings attached I'd get married." In reference to the movie "Team America" in which puppets appear to have sex

A lot of people have warned President Clinton that Bosnia will turn into another Vietnam, which would be embarrassing for him because he'll have to go back to college.

Like you're in the showroom, about to either buy that car or walk out, and they're the salesman, saying "What do I have to say to get you in this car?"

I said I didn't respect religion . . . and anyone who believes in fairy tales to answer questions that we can't answer. . . . So I don't respect our religions either. But I do believe it is a clash of civilizations, absolutely, between the Islamic world and the Western world. [It] has been going on for 1,000 years.

A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and apparently the biography lists all the men she's slept with. The book is apparently called the Manhattan Telephone Directory.

Du är vad du gör. Det handlar om handlingar.

You are what you do. It’s about actions.

Handling och Initiativ

New rule: Tulips aren't flowers. They're some kind of gay onion.

That’s why I don’t have a religion. I don’t want to have to say that, okay, I agree with everything a guy says.

Religion

Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.

Religion

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