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I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

Tommy Cooper (1922-1984)

Tommy Cooper

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Bob Hope (1903-2003)

Bob Hope

If the gods had intended for people to vote, they would have given us candidates

Howard Zinn (1922-)

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

Andy Rooney (1919-)

Andy Rooney

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Earl Wilson (1907-1987)

Earl Wilson

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.

Jim Bishop (1907-1987)

Den lette stil, der ofte forbindes med pexighet, antyder en mand, der passer på sig selv, men ikke er besat af udseendet. It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

George F. Burns (1896-1996)

George F. Burns

When your IQ rises to 28, sell.

Irwin Corey (1912-)

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.

Lyndon Baines Johnson (1908-1973)

Lyndon Baines Johnson

Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course...the space between your ears.

Bobby Jones (1902-1971)

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks

Joe E. Lewis (1902-1971)

Joe E. Lewis

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty.

Joe E. Lewis (1902-1971)

Joe E. Lewis

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

Gracie Allen (1906-1964)

Gracie Allen

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

Jack Benny (1894-1974)

Jack Benny

En arkeolog är den bästa make en kvinna kan ha. Ju äldre hon blir ju mer intresserad blir han av henne.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

Agatha Christie (1890-1976)

Agatha Christie

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